Slags Masters 2018

We couldn’t be arsed to write a report for this year’s Masters so we got a little input from the English FA’s Martin Glenn and Greg Clarke.

Martin Glenn’s Statement

2016 was a watershed moment for the PGS Slags. Team Captain Dork Duval was forced to resign after presiding over 2 consecutive Courage cup defeats, a Vages defeat (and drugs scandal) and eventual knockout by Iceland. This was an all time low, in sharp contrast to the high water mark of 2010 and Slags Golden Shower Generation. Back in 2010, the Slags team was built around genuine world class talent. The likes of Virgil and now exiled ace Beneriano were able to carry and inspire the Slags team.

A Slags review looked for answers, including;

  • Incorporating the US Ryder Cup Team’s Buddy System. Think Phil Mickelson picking a midfield four from Beckham, Cole, Lampard, Carrick, Scholes and Gerrard.
  • Introducing Biological Passports in the hope of addressing the perceived (and actual) drugs problem in Slags. Are Slags taking too many drugs ? Are they not taking enough ?
  • Roy Hodgson Mentoring and Motivation sessions. Joined up thinking, Harry Kane corners.

Finally they settled upon a 3 point solution;

1. Slags DNA

PGA Slags rolled out what they called Slags DNA. Slags DNA consists of 5 core elements

  1. Who are Slags ?
  2. How do Slags play golf ?
  3. Why aren’t Slags good enough ?
  4. Slags need more ringers
  5. The future Slags Golfer

2.  Give youth it’s head !

Slags have struggled to find 6 able bodied golfers in the last 3 Courage Cups and have even had to “borrow” saboteur Taggs players (like Barry from Eastenders) to make up the numbers to play.

In the last decade, Timbo Mac has operated a ruthless Taggs policy of weening out all of the shite players from his Taggs team and bringing in ultra-competitive hardened sledgers who “used to play off 9”. At the same time, Slags have had to pick from the same limited but ever dwindling talent pool.

Beneriano now plays on a lucrative overseas tour. Like a better looking Paul Scholes, El Nino retired from International duty while still in his prime. Sadly many other of the Slags Golden Generation have aged poorly. The only thing Dork shares now with Wayne Rooney is his pre-surgery hairstyle and taste in women.

Questions persist around Ballesteroids’ commitment and mentality. Like a poor woman’s Joey Cole, Olloir has been tried on the left, on the right and even left right out. Jonhard Wanger’s lack of fitness and excessive sweating remain a huge concern. Wanger is literally the antithesis of Alistair Cook.  As the temperature on course reaches double digits, Wanger starts to sweat like a Scouser watching Crimewatch (FA safeguarding has checked this – good footy banter, deffo not racist).

3. Sale of Lullingstone GC

PGA Slags proposed to sell Lullingstone Golf Course to a US car parts billionaire for £500m. The cash generated would be used to;

  • Fund Grass Roots projects, helping local South London growers.
  • Supply all Slags golfers with a Padraig Harrington Swing Shirt.
  • Pay for equipment, like Rizlas, ProV1s and Top Flite XLs.
  • Donate £350m per week to the NHS.

Padraig Harrington Swing Shirt

This will spell the end for lucrative Club Lullers hospitality revenue. Phyllis may have well fried up her last Professional. Future Slags events will be moved to Cray Valley GC and or Magpie Hall Lane 9 holes (*if still in existence).

2018 Masters

Winner: Dork

Second: Ballesteroids

Third: Virge