Slags Masters 2013
It’s without doubt the TV event of the decade. Everyone is talking about the release onto DVD of “Breaking Par”, the story of Walter Wanger and his transformation from a mild-mannered amateur golfer into the evil golf kingpin “Heisenbirdie”. Full of pathos, bathos and other adjectives we don’t really understand, “Breaking Par” explores the shady, sleazy side of substandard golf, contains many moments of comedy gold (Olly’s tee-shots, Jules’ beard etc.) and moves at a breathtakingly slow pace (mostly because we spent hours looking for Tim’s ball on every hole) to a rip-roaring anticlimax.
SLAGS has managed to obtain exclusive rights to distribute the box set of this amazing series. Some critics say the story is a little far fetched, but we can reveal it is based entirely on the factual events of the SLAGS Masters 2013. For those who haven’t seen “Breaking Bad”, which shamelessly rips off this true story, we can assure you that the only spoiler here is the terrible golf played by all, which ruined a beautiful December afternoon in the country.
Walter Wanger / Heisenbirdie – Jonhard Wanger (16 hcap)
Skinny Ol – Oloirio Ballesteroids (15 hcap)
Gustavo “Gusty” Ringpiece – Paul Funsize (28 hcap)
Hector Salawanka – Tim Mac McMac (Emmy Award winner – Best Supporting Truss) (18 hcap)
Hank Canoflagers – Julio (22 hcap)
“Better call” Paulo – Dork Duval (6 hcap)
Episode 1 – “Breaking Badly”
Walter Wanger is a shite golfer. He visits his golf pro and his game is diagnosed as terminally shat. Wanger quickly realises that the only chance he has to win the SLAGS Masters is to cook up a batch of high grade “crystal palace” handicaps and sell them to the trusting shite-golf addicts who come to the Masters for a fix of shite golf. Horrified that R&A agent Hank Canoflagers has shown up on the morning of the SLAGS, Wanger tries to divert attention by giving Hank a pure handicap of 22, while peddling inferior grade handicaps to the other SLAGS.
Episode 2 – “Breakfast Bad”
While the others head to the range, Agent Canoflagers heads to the 19th for a full English. A contaminated environment and bad recipe leads to an inferior cook. Hank has rarely seen such a bad product and is lucky to escape with his life.
Episode 3 – “Made a meth of that”
Dodgy handicap peddler, Skinny Ol, at the suggestion of corrupt lawyer, “Better Call” Paulo, pushes the handicap of decrepit TAGGS cartel leader, Hector Salawanka, out by one shot to an overly generous 18. A series of terrible golf strokes has left Salawanka dribbling, confined to a golf buggy and unable to communicate except for ringing a small bell. Salawanka pars the next hole.
Episode 4 – “Nearest – the Kingpin”
Heisenbirdie takes another step towards becoming supreme golf overlord by taking the nearest the pin prize unchallenged.
Episode 5 – “Stick that in your pipe and smoke it”
Heisenbirdie’s dubious lawyer, “Better Call” Paulo smokes one off the tee at the 7th, taking the swag for the long drive.
Episode 6 – “Gusty Ringpiece blown away”
Wanger realises that even playing off 28, Gusty is a dangerous man. He hatches a plan to blow Gusty away with some dynamite golf. Ringpiece is destroyed and can’t pick up the pieces of his round, or his face.
Episode 7 – “It’s all over now, baby blue”
Skinny Ol has shat his load, Ringpiece is history and Salawanka has trundled off into the sunset, leaving Hank beginning to suspect that the infamous balding, goatee bearded Heisenbirdie might be his balding goatee bearded playing partner, Walter. Wanger realises the game is up, but still thinks he has a chance of winning the SLAGS, if he can only shake off Hank and his useless lawyer, “Better Call” Paulo.
Episode 8 – “Ol le shat”
In an attempt at a lame pun, the producers name the final episode with an anagram of “last hole”. “Better Call” Paulo realises he can only come 2nd and legs it, hoping to assume a new identity after another embarrassing round. Hank shames Walter by naming him as Heisenbirdie and then winning the Masters. The monkey is finally off his back at the 15th attempt. The SLAGS make their way to the 19th for tea, biscuits and the mother of all bloodbaths.