Slags Masters 1999
Lullingstone Golf Course, Chelsfield, Kent
On the 22nd May 1999 at Lullingstone Golf Course, some of the world’s poorest golfers assembled to take on the challenge of the inaugural SLAGS Masters. In glorious Kentish sunshine and record temperatures, the wangsticked gladiators gamely trundled through the valley of death.
After just a few holes, some of the field were glassy eyed with determination and concentration. Or was it constipation ? A good clear out beforehand at the 19th hole is always advisable.
The quality of golf ranged from below average to extremely poor and sometimes abysmal. From the sublimely ridiculous to the ridiculously sublime. The hushed galleries were sometimes mesmerised, sometimes traumatised. Gasps of hysterical laughter and heartfelt cries of ‘Cancer !’ echoed across the fairways.
A stewards enquiry was needed to ascertain how the event was won by such a huge bandit. The handicap committee resigned on mass.
Rotund Man U fan Bernie ‘Walrus’ Steakhouse enjoyed another piss poor sporting event that day and was unable to attend. Fellow bloater, Simon ‘Betty’ Ford pulled out at the last minute and left a nasty taste in the mouth.
Roll of Honour / Dishonour
| 1st Place |
Albert big Monty | 44 points |
| 2nd Place |
El Nino | 36 points |
| 3rd Place |
Dork Duval | 25 points (count-back Pars) |
| 4th Place |
Olloir Ballesteroids | 25 points |
| Spoon of Shame | Rear Admiral Vestey | (count-back Triple Bogeys) |
| Longest Drive |
Iron Balls McGinty | 292 yards |
| Nearest Pin |
Dork Duvet | 18 feet |
Unofficial Award Nominations
| Rookie of the Year |
Diddy James |
Happy Gilmore !
|
| Comedy Shot of the Day |
Jonhard Wanger |
1st, 2nd and 3rd prizes for his efforts at the 18th Tee |
| Handicap Shafting of the Day |
Chris Solly | Could have been a contender, but turned out to be shite. 24 handicap revised to 28 |
| Most Flukiest Prick Award |
Iron Balls McGinty |
Freak granddad shot off the hosel and scuttled it 300 yards just off the fairway. Steward’s incompetence handed him the silverware |
| Best Work of Fiction |
Albert Tatlock |
His scorecard |